i hate when i get like this.
02.12.18 | 8:18 pm

my heart really hurts tonight. i am not even sure how to explain it, but everything feels so heavy, and i'm so tired, and so run down, and so... heart-broken.

i often feel like i have a strong handle on everything, but when there is one tiny, little slip, everything feels as though it completely falls apart. then, i spend the entire day fixating and focusing on the tiny, little slip, and it ruins an otherwise lovely time.

for instance: i have been feeling very good about this fernando character. he texts me at random times about stuff we've discussed and in general, it's all cute and fun. so i say things about how i feel as though i can text him or not and how i don't have to worry about it.

then: i text him on saturday to see if he wants to get together this coming week. and then i wait. and wait. and wait. and wait.

and he doesn't text me back for 24 hours.

and in my brain, i know that is fine. it's completely okay. and he was probably busy because i texted him on a saturday afternoon. we are not beholden to each other in any way. etc. etc.

but my heart is hurt by it, and i fixate on it. and i feel so stupid for saying before that i felt so chill about everything, because i guess this clearly means that i am not chill.

and then my brain delves into: this is because you aren't lovable, this is because you don't deserve love, this is because of your disgusting body.

again: i know that these things aren't true. i know they aren't. i know i am a perfectly fine human being, i can be cute sometimes, and i deserve love. but it's so hard to fight those feelings.

and on top of it all, i feel so stupid when i get like this! i am a bright girl, and i feel like i shouldn't succumb to these things. like i'm somehow beyond it. like god damn, i'm nearly twenty-nine years old. aren't i supposed to be past this?

then my friend told me (again) that i should get therapy (this is something i've considered myself, so okay, i get it) but i guess it made it seem like i needed to do that instead of talking to her. and it reminded me of how an old friend told me over and over again that i was depressed (i wasn't - although i acknowledge that there's the possibility that i have anxiety) and how very, very deeply that hurt my heart. the idea that someone was brushing me off, and instead of trying to help me just talk through things (which is what i need), they send me off. (i am mature enough now to recognize that's not what she was trying to do at the time, but it doesn't negate, i suppose, the terrible feelings it gave me. but she was trying to help me in her own way. [and i know that's what this friend is doing, too. but my feelings are hurt. and my heart hurts.])

i wish i could call into work sick tomorrow and just lie in bed watching gbbo.

honestly, that's probably what i'm going to do tonight: watch gbbo, alone in my bed (except with emma keeping me warm), and cry.

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