that's enough for tonight
03.08.19 | 12:15 am

i think my death anxiety is creeping back in. especially any time that i am around children. my mind runs different scenarios outlining the various ways something terrible could happen and it makes my stomach feel sick. it's one of the reasons i'm sleeping poorly. i'll lay my head down to sleep, and then the scenarios start.

or i start to think of oblivion.

--

i took a shower tonight (this is unusual, to be fair -- i'm a morning shower-er) and had to deal with three spiders in and around the tub. three. one, which was fitfully trying to get away from the water but unfortunately creeping closer to me, another, which slid down the drain, and a third, which was waiting on the bathmat when i stepped out.

i don't know how to feel about it all.

and, lately, i feel immensely guilty killing any kind of bug. (i suppose it relates back to the death anxiety. there is a terrible pit in my stomach after the act is complete. who am i to decide what lives and what dies?)

but i don't know how to cohabitate. i guess.

--

none of this is coming out as eloquently as it was in my head. so i'll just get it out.

--

when i'm singing in the car, i'm still imagining you in the passenger seat, me explaining the song or the fact that i'm an alto or how i got so into this musical.

i suspect it will continue until someone else has my attention. (it feels as though that will be a long time, however. any man who wants my attention is met with my indifference and/or disgust lately.)

the most annoying thing about it is that i don't want you.

but i want to explain.

and i want you to understand.

(i won't get that chance. and that is for the best.)

--

i don't know, but i did just get up in the middle of the night and end up taking a bunch of mirror selfies in my bathroom with my brand new iphone and with my hair falling the way i always wish it would.

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