19.03.20 | 9:09 am

it's a cycle:

feel neutral. have conversations. get excited about something said in the conversation. a lull happens. feel stupid for ever thinking anything ever. feel neutral. start again.

and it's exhausting.

i woke up at 6:30am this morning with a pit in my stomach, a hole in my heart. i'm not sure why. maybe it's because i'm not built to be alone, by myself for this long. i'm trying to keep myself busy but it's hard. it's barely been a week, and who knows how long this will last.

i am jealous of the people who have someone to quarantine with. even if it would drive me crazy. i just want someone to lie here and watch seinfeld with me.

last night we had a long conversation about books and poetry and philosophy and linguistics. i know i have the tendency to read into things, to see things that aren't there. but it's nice, i guess. sometimes.

i'm trying to flatten out the feelings.

this will end up being another thing i hold on to for no good reason for far too long and then spend way too much time trying to move on from it. won't it?

i am watching the tonight show home edition with lin-manuel miranda and i just teared up at the beginning because i love him (lmm) so much.

anyway i'm sad and just want to sleep, the end.

<< | >>