the logical solution
08.04.20 | 1:22 pm

when you get down to it, we don't actually know each other that well. not as well as my brain wants me to think. we've been around each other in person twice, shared some drinks, some laughs, a bit of a walk. and sure, for a few months, we talked constantly to each other -- and that of course breeds some sort of intimacy. but not the real kind. not the kind that i want for my life.

i reread diary entries from when i was infatuated with matt, we talked every day, and i convinced myself he didn't like me at all -- and they're exactly the same as some of my entries now. being elated when we have a good conversation, being despondent when we don't talk for a whole day or when i don't get the response i wanted.

and i don't want to continue down this road again.

i don't want to end up in another position where i would have to move my life to where someone else is just to give something a shot. just to find out if it would even work.

and it's so tiring to live in that space where you don't know and where it's not worth it to find out which space, specifically, the two of you are in. it takes up so much energy just thinking about it.

and as i've said before -- i'm tired of letting people take up so much space in my head when i'm certain i don't take up much space in theirs.

i can't read minds.

but i can read cues.

and i'm just going to sit back and relax and try, as hard as i can, not to think about it anymore. besides, i (hopefully) go home in a month or so for the entire summer, and i don't even know if i'll be able to come back in the fall (it all depends on this virus situation).

it's just not worth it.

even if my brain wants some magical story...

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