a buncha random stuff
09.08.20 | 7:34 pm

it feels like there is so much going on -- whether it's inside my head or actually in my life -- that i don't even know what to write down. i hate that feeling of overwhelm.

okay. let's start here:

-today, i had an argument with my dad and two of my brothers. i was arguing for paternity leave and they were arguing and explaining why they did not think it was necessary. reasons include: 1) (when i said it is a time for both parents to bond with the child) the kid isn't even going to remember it at that age; 2) there is nothing for them to do, so they should go back to work; 3) honestly, i can't even remember the other things they said, probably because i was so upset that i literally said, "lord help me, if i ever do get married, i hope that man is not like anyone in this family." maybe that was unnecessary. probably. but it's fucking true.


casey (older brother) is in the middle of a divorce. have i explained this yet? apparently, 8 months ago, he started an affair with a girl who was 7 years younger than him (in general, that's fine, but i think it helps in this context). he told her he was separated (he wasn't). so they'd been dating since then. about a month ago, he told his wife, and they've started the actual divorce process. (they needed to get divorced anyway, but doing it this way shows you what kind of person he is.) he came home drunk and high out of his mind the other night because she (the girlfriend) had broken up with him.

my dad kept hounding me saying, "go talk to casey; you like to fix people, so fix him." i wanted to have a nice, relaxing night to myself, but alas, this is what happens.

when i go out on the back porch, he starts by complaining about how she'd let him pay a $126 bill at the mexican restaurant the night before she broke up with him.

eventually, he revealed that he had to be escorted out of the restaurant because he got into a verbal altercation with some dude who was apparently acting like he couldn't understand the mexican waitress (which, yeah, fuck that guy). but it all comes out like that: trickles of truth until you realize what he fucking did that made her break up with him, essentially.

and i feel bad for him: i really do.

but what he should be doing right now is being by himself and/or with his fucking children that he's never fucking around for anyway. he's never been there for addi, not in nine years so far, so i keep telling him -- you need to put this effort into yourself and your kids, not some random girl. you need to focus on the things you already have, not what you lack. but telling people things like this is ... not helpful. honestly. and i hate being a broken record.

this is truly stressful for me, especially because now he lives in the bedroom right next to mine. and i have to listen to my parents complain/express concern for him every damn day, see my dad freak out about whether or not he's using again, or just watch casey be disrespectful af while he lives for free in this house full of people who have tried to help him for thirty-three goddamn years.

i guess it is clear i am stressed.

okay, on to the next point.


now, tanay.

i didn't end up going to see him this weekend.


1. i had already decided on friday that i wouldn't go see him even if he texted me, because he is not courteous enough to text me a couple of days before to see which day works for me. he leaves me to the last minute, which i find disrespectful, because it is clearly an "i'll see you if there's nothing better going on in my life" kind of move. and granted, when you're just seeing someone for sex, that makes sense. and if i didn't have to drive two hours to go see him, it would make even more sense. but i don't like the way it makes me feel.

2. on friday, he told me he had to quarantine because he might have the virus. (he tested negative, he told me today.)

3. honestly, i don't even want to. all i want is for someone to actual hold me in their stupid arms, and stroke my stupid hair, and tell me they like me like a heckin' idiot would. ugh.


i downloaded hinge i suppose last week. and it is terrible.

i used to "cheat the system" by swiping on people when i was in a bigger city (at least an hour away from where i actually live). i was already in those cities to see my friends all the time anyway. but when i put my actual town, where i actually live, in full view...

no one is interested.

and you can't blame them, can you?

if i had the choice, i wouldn't date someone i had to drive an hour to see. i'd pick the person i have to drive fifteen minutes to see.

so many things come back to: you aren't good enough.

at least in the dating world.

and while it's been a bit lonely for me these last six months, it hasn't been... bad. not at all. i have had many moments where i long for something more.

but the farther away i get from my relationship with matt, the more i think... maybe i won't be in a real relationship for a long time. maybe i'm not equipped. maybe i never was. maybe these things just aren't meant to be in my life.

and that's not a pity party.

it's me exploring actual, real-world possibilities.

but the fact remains that when i like someone, i really like them, and i commit hard. at least at first. and, honestly, i think i am in a pretty decent place as far as "working on myself" goes. and i think i've done a lot of good (and a lot of bad, but uh, that's not this conversation) for myself in these last three years i've been single.

but maybe i really am not meant for any kind of relationship right now, or even soon. i guess that's ... okay, too.

all this to say, tanay asked me to come next weekend, and i already don't want to, because he doesn't want to have any fun conversation leading up to it, it'd really just be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kind of situation, and none of it is what i'm looking for. he doesn't even like to cuddle.

nicolas taught me the expression "avoir une aventure" which is basically friends with benefits but with a more romantic connotation. not just "let's fuck, okay thanks, bye," but more like, a short-term fling where you're both having fun and enjoying yourselves and it's got that bit of romance thrown in. anyway, i guess that's what he's gonna have with a girl near where his parents live this summer. i guess it still twinges my heart a bit when i have to hear things like this.

but i wish it didn't.


i wish my family were closer in ways that are more important to me.

for instance: my brother ryan seth and his wife morgan just bought a new house. i have been several times already. hell, i helped them move in and even organized their kitchen for them. but have any -- and i mean any -- of our other four brothers even attempted to go see the new house yet? no.

it just makes me sad, i guess.


oh, i think i traveled into the sadness. that's not a choice i wanted to make today. so i guess i'm done for now.

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