and yet
15.09.20 | 6:56 pm
but i can see that i am lucky: i have a full time job. i have a free place to live. i have access to everything i need, i guess. etc.
it just feels heavy. that's all.
--
sent you a message yesterday that you immediately read but didn't respond to. still haven't. and i feel pretty fine about it all. (i know sometimes i say that and don't mean it, but i actually do right now.) i think this is all a good sign for me.
it's all part of moving away from this.
--
god i wish i had someone else to occupy my mind. but i guess it's a good practice. get more comfortable with yourself. get more comfortable with the idea, the reality of being alone.
--
my french lesson today was okay, but i am struggling with the fluidity of my speech, getting stuck in what i want to express, recognizing my limitations.
there are ebbs and flows in the learning process. i know all of this intellectually. but i feel bad about it today.
--
i didn't exercise very much over the weekend when i visited rachel, and the past two days of workouts have been much harder as a result.
the thing about exercising like this is that the days that i miss (especially if they are consecutive) are reminders that i have to keep exercising like this forever if i want to feel good. and the days i don't do it, it's incredibly obvious in my body -- i don't feel as good.
and that's fine but like. am i going to be able to consistently work out like this forever?
probably not.
--
i get to work from home tomorrow. that's nice. but addi will be with me, and that will make things a little bit more difficult.
the students are frustrating me.
--
a friend just posted that she got two new titles today: doctor and fiancee. she officially has her doctorate and now she's engaged to her english boyfriend, and they're gonna be cute and live in england forever and have a lovely life (and truly i am so, so happy for this person -- she is such a ray of sunshine).
it's such great news. it really is.
and yet.