and yet
15.09.20 | 6:56 pm

it's strange but it feels very certain that i won't go back to france this year. i still haven't received my contract. i still don't have a visa appointment. i have what, six weeks before i'm supposed to be there? (some people are saying their visas are taking at least six weeks to even come back.) i don't even have a plane ticket. i guess i'm getting frustrated. maybe they'll extend the contract dates again. i don't know. it just keeps feeling less worth it, and it just keeps making me sadder and sadder.

but i can see that i am lucky: i have a full time job. i have a free place to live. i have access to everything i need, i guess. etc.

it just feels heavy. that's all.


sent you a message yesterday that you immediately read but didn't respond to. still haven't. and i feel pretty fine about it all. (i know sometimes i say that and don't mean it, but i actually do right now.) i think this is all a good sign for me.

it's all part of moving away from this.


god i wish i had someone else to occupy my mind. but i guess it's a good practice. get more comfortable with yourself. get more comfortable with the idea, the reality of being alone.


my french lesson today was okay, but i am struggling with the fluidity of my speech, getting stuck in what i want to express, recognizing my limitations.

there are ebbs and flows in the learning process. i know all of this intellectually. but i feel bad about it today.


i didn't exercise very much over the weekend when i visited rachel, and the past two days of workouts have been much harder as a result.

the thing about exercising like this is that the days that i miss (especially if they are consecutive) are reminders that i have to keep exercising like this forever if i want to feel good. and the days i don't do it, it's incredibly obvious in my body -- i don't feel as good.

and that's fine but like. am i going to be able to consistently work out like this forever?

probably not.


i get to work from home tomorrow. that's nice. but addi will be with me, and that will make things a little bit more difficult.

the students are frustrating me.


a friend just posted that she got two new titles today: doctor and fiancee. she officially has her doctorate and now she's engaged to her english boyfriend, and they're gonna be cute and live in england forever and have a lovely life (and truly i am so, so happy for this person -- she is such a ray of sunshine).

it's such great news. it really is.

and yet.

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