23.09.20 | 7:41 pm

this morning i told a friend about how i was reframing the narrative, thinking about how much freedom i have compared to people who are married and/or with children, how (normally) i could travel to europe or within the country at the drop of a hat, i can go see my friends when i want to, etc. etc. and isn't that lovely, having that freedom?

and it is.

but i'm also already mourning the possibility (the likelihood) that i'm not going back to france this year, and recognizing that means living another year in a very small town, likely very single, until the end of next summer.

(ask me on a different day, hell, at a different time, and i am a lot more okay with it.)

and even though i've been okay about this for a week or so, ever since you responded after not messaging back for two days, i can't deny that a tiny part of it is mourning the loss of whatever this was and whatever it could have been. (regardless of what i did or did not invent, regardless of what was or was not real.)

i can honestly say most of the time i'm okay. i am keeping myself busy even though i am here at home. but tonight it is hitting me hard again.

but it'll pass.

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