let me know you
07.12.20 | 6:34 pm
he's kind, really. he always has been. as we talk about the books on his bookshelf and how his friends have a book club together, that they play dnd together (as i have started to do), i remember that i fundamentally like him as a person.
i remember that as he puts his hand on my leg as we're watching the princess switch and talking through the whole thing.
i remember that as he kisses me.
but mostly, i remember that as i wake up the next morning, as he pulls me close to him and traces his hands on my back, my arms, my shoulders.
the only thing i ever really want is a sense of intimacy, of knowing someone.
i don't want to date chris, i don't want to be his girlfriend, but i find myself wanting to know everything about him, wanting him to confess to me every little thing.
this is how i always am.
i just want to know people: their history, their quirks, their body. i just want to know them.
--
i took my first anxiety pill (literally the lowest possible dose pill there is) when i got home saturday morning. i sat on the couch, feeling my head grow fuzzy and my arms and legs start to feel light -- already feeling it much more than everyone told me i would. eventually, i just took a nap, but was sluggish the entire day, unable to do much.
i've been fine.
i am fine.
i am.
--
i've been talking to this boy named jake now for two and a half weeks. he seems interesting, but he also seems to have several qualities in common with matt. that always scares me: that i will meet someone (like matt) who i like (in general) for for whom i will settle because... what else is there? (a lot.)
but he doesn't mind where i live. he doesn't mind that i live with my family. he asks good questions and we can have good conversations. he has my number, my snap, my instagram. he told me yesterday that i was pretty.
and he talks to me all of the time.
isn't that just what i always want?
let me know you. let me know everything about you.
--
i haven't talked to him in three weeks now. and i won't.
--
some of my thinking-i'm-going-to-choke-while-eating is back.
as long as i don't think about it too much, i don't feel it.
but it scares me.
it still scares me.