let me know you
07.12.20 | 6:34 pm

friday night, as i sat on chris' couch, glass of red wine in hand, i could feel it move through my body, feel it in my heartbeat. don't think about it, i told myself, and drank more, hoping it would go away.

he's kind, really. he always has been. as we talk about the books on his bookshelf and how his friends have a book club together, that they play dnd together (as i have started to do), i remember that i fundamentally like him as a person.

i remember that as he puts his hand on my leg as we're watching the princess switch and talking through the whole thing.

i remember that as he kisses me.

but mostly, i remember that as i wake up the next morning, as he pulls me close to him and traces his hands on my back, my arms, my shoulders.

the only thing i ever really want is a sense of intimacy, of knowing someone.

i don't want to date chris, i don't want to be his girlfriend, but i find myself wanting to know everything about him, wanting him to confess to me every little thing.

this is how i always am.

i just want to know people: their history, their quirks, their body. i just want to know them.


i took my first anxiety pill (literally the lowest possible dose pill there is) when i got home saturday morning. i sat on the couch, feeling my head grow fuzzy and my arms and legs start to feel light -- already feeling it much more than everyone told me i would. eventually, i just took a nap, but was sluggish the entire day, unable to do much.

i've been fine.

i am fine.

i am.


i've been talking to this boy named jake now for two and a half weeks. he seems interesting, but he also seems to have several qualities in common with matt. that always scares me: that i will meet someone (like matt) who i like (in general) for for whom i will settle because... what else is there? (a lot.)

but he doesn't mind where i live. he doesn't mind that i live with my family. he asks good questions and we can have good conversations. he has my number, my snap, my instagram. he told me yesterday that i was pretty.

and he talks to me all of the time.

isn't that just what i always want?

let me know you. let me know everything about you.


i haven't talked to him in three weeks now. and i won't.


some of my thinking-i'm-going-to-choke-while-eating is back.

as long as i don't think about it too much, i don't feel it.

but it scares me.

it still scares me.

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