"i'm afraid we may live too far apart."
10.12.20 | 9:01 pm

i've felt out of sorts today.

it's my rest day, and i am incredibly sore and incredibly tired. the anxiety came back at lunchtime today, so i took my second pill. it made me even more tired, with fuzzy added on top. it's 9pm and i'm going to go to bed.

a dude on bumble basically told me he doesn't want to date me because i'm too far away.

this is logical and i understand it. i know that is one of the main reasons why so many people just stop talking to me out of nowhere.

but having it actually said out loud feels like a boulder on my chest.

"you aren't worth it."

"you never will be."

you know, normal things.

just like this very, very brief thing with a guy named stephen, who seemed so utterly taken with me at first, saying, "i'm begging and pleading, perhaps even groveling, but don't go deleting this app" before giving me his number, then saying, "eeekkkkk! i'm looking forward to it," just to stop messaging me a day later.

it was nice feeling some sense of chemistry right off the bat (even if it's not real because it's a false sense of intimacy), and then it was dashed immediately after.

tired. wired. got that feeling in my chest and that preoccupation with my breathing that makes me think i will suddenly stop and die. cool, cool, cool.

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