a diagnoooooooooosis
17.12.20 | 10:06 am

it IS anxiety.

i do have a slight arrythmia, but that's fairly common and not concerning at the moment, according to the doctor. i also have a lack of vitamin d, apparently.

but here is the thing:

it is nice to know.

but i have never felt fear like this before.

i went to work this morning for an hour with the energy coursing through my veins, trying to breathe, i even cried at one point because i'm just afraid it's going to happen again, afraid that i'm going to be alone when it happens.

so i told work i got sick (i called in sick yesterday for the appointment and everything anyway, and to be fair, my stomach is upset) and asked to work from home. so here i am. and my dad is upstairs, and emma is right beside me. and i feel slightly better.

i don't like this.

and i was doing so well!!!!!!! that's what i keep saying: i was doing so goddamn well.

i know exercising will help but i'm also afraid to exercise and i'm also so fucking sleepy.

anyway i have two medications now: zoloft (which i will start taking today) and hydroxyzine (for panic attacks). i took half of a hydroxyzine last night because my doctor said i could do that to see how it affects me, and i am still so tired, eyes so glossy, lips pale, stomach upset.

i just want to cry.

when i'm here, i can breathe through it. i know i am safe at home. i know that here, i have people, and here, i can get through it.

but what about anywhere else?

what if i had a panic attack while driving?

THESE THOUGHTS DO NOT HELP, they just circle and circle and circle.

so that's where i am at.

i hate this year.

i hate most of everything.

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