an ongoing conversation with myself
2012-04-10 | 3:55 p.m.

do you think you're maybe, a little tiny bit, depressed?

how so?

you're sad all of the time. you're dissatisfied with almost everything in your life.

how is that any different from the past four years? you've always been like this.

but are you supposed to be? is this just life?

everyone is dissatisfied with their lives. you aren't special. you're bored, you just want something dramatic to happen so you've got a story.

i'm not a dramatic person, though.

you're just stressed.

but i'm always stressed. isn't that the problem?

it's life, tia. there will forever be things that make you sad, stressed out, anxious. you're not special.

plus, if you were depressed, you'd have trouble doing every day activities. all you'd want to do is sleep.

i do get up and go to work. i do my job. i smile and wave and talk to everyone like nothing's wrong.

but is it?

i think so. but then i think i'm being selfish. that's selfish, isn't it? i have no real problems.

true. it must all be in your head.

but is it always obvious to other people? i just want to sleep. i never get enough sleep.

you're just a baby, is what you are.

that's probably true. and think, what would other people think if you told them you thought you might be depressed?

poor mom and dad. they'd be heartbroken, wouldn't they? they raised you well. don't do that to them. remember what you did to them when you were thirteen? you've always been self destructive.

but only mildly.

you still are.

only mildly. and i haven't done anything--

oh, wait. yes i have. just because it's in a different form doesn't mean it's really different.

you're fine.

i know. but it's bad enough to wonder, isn't it?

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