i'm almost 25.
08.02.15 | 10:11 am

i thought for sure that diaryland had died. for two or so days that it wouldn't connect to the database, i was certain i had lost everything. all of my entries, all of the collections of my life since i was thirteen. all gone.

i even told my boyfriend about it. told him i have people i care about here. that i'd never get to talk to them again or know what happens to them.

and as i was coming to terms with it, it returned.


i'm sore. i've been doing a lot of yoga. that, walking emma, and sometimes running--these are the only exercises i can really convince myself to do.

i love the attention to breath in yoga. i love that i have to think about what i'm doing, what my body is doing and what it is responding to, how i need to move to make it feel better. i think it makes me pay more attention to taking care of myself.

i am doing "30 days of yoga" with kayley, but i'm also supplementing it with other yoga videos i already love that challenge me.

my body is tired. exhausted. for three days, i could fully breathe through my nose and i thought the life had been restored in me.

false hope.

it's tough to do yoga when you can't properly breathe through your nose. and i can't expect to take mucinex every day forever.

emma is a happy pup here. there's a dog park two minutes away, and the weather has been beautiful, so we go about three or four times a week. she's obsessed. we also walk a lot. especially in between my classes, when i need a break and some fresh air.


i have another interview on tuesday with an IEP that i contacted about a job in september. they emailed me last week, asked if i was still interested, and invited me to interview.

i have to create my sample lesson today: comparatives and superlatives, being taught to intermediate students.

this is my dream job. this is the job i passed up in kentucky.

last night i couldn't sleep because i was worried about it. more than any other job i've interviewed for, i want this one.


my birthday is on friday the thirteenth. i'll be twenty-five years old.

i'm actually excited. it sounds... so adult. twenty-five. in the middle, my legitimate mid-20's.

matt and i are celebrating valentine's day on wednesday and he's giving me my birthday presents on my actual birthday.

i already know kayley's gift is in the mail, too.

my parents sent me a card, $100, and my birth certificate so i can finally get my colorado driver's license.

i am surprised by how much i actually like colorado. in general. i thought it would be freezing here, that it would be miserable to be at home so much.

maybe this interview is giving me hope that i won't be shut up in the house forever.

i don't know.


i'm sitting here in my underwear and bra, just looking at my body. it's different this year than last year.

last year, i had just gotten a boyfriend, and for once i felt like i was worth it to treat my body well. and in six months, i lost over twenty pounds.

and now i'm trying again, for another twenty. for fifteen by my brothers' weddings. but it's different. it's more difficult.

i feel worse about myself somehow. i love doing yoga, seeing what my body can do. but i can't get myself on a set schedule. can't get myself to work out regularly, to eat better.

i'll do really well all day, then matt will come home around ten at night, and he will eat dinner, and i will want something. and i ruin it.

i try to tell myself to focus on loving my body for what it can do, for what it's doing. i'm actually progressing in yoga. i can tell.

but... i don't know. it's different. i feel like there will never be an end.

i'll lose twenty more pounds, and then feel like i need to lose ten more. then, i'll need to focus on something else. and something else.

and i'll never be happy with it.

but i want to be.


i've been trying to find a decent hobby to get into. yoga counts, i suppose, but i've thought about writing--really writing--again. i'm reading more. watching less tv. but i want to create something again.

i want to feel like i'm doing something.

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