wedding #2 down
20.07.15 | 5:51 pm

wedding number two is over. it was beautiful, it was disorganized, and matt spilled my entire cup of wine all over the front of my bridesmaid dress.

the look in ryan seth's eyes as he was saying "i do" to morgan was beautiful. he loves her so much and he knows how lucky he is. travis was the same way--his face red and his eyes welled up with tears. will i ever feel that?

that night, though, it was me, matt, travis and kelsey, and john ryan and brittany drinking and eating pizza and playing heads up.

matt finally knows everyone's names. for the most part.

sometimes it drives me insane how thoughtless he can be--not in a mean way. not as though he is doing something on purpose toward me. but when he literally just doesn't think ahead. like at the airport, when he was basically leaving me behind and i just said, "you have literally no concept of taking other people into consideration." it's not true, not really, but it's frustrating.

when we visited john and dacia in nashville, being with matt was perfect. everything clicked and was fun and exciting. but around my family, maybe i had too much pressure on the situation (because he's barely been around them anyway). maybe i expect too much, but everything he did drove me crazy or wasn't good enough. i tried to relax and then he spilled my wine all over me and it came right back.

all of these weddings come back to family members asking if i'm next and always, always i say, "oh no, i can wait a few years. i moved, that's commitment enough." and when the bouquet is thrown, i run away from it.

i don't know if it's a good or bad or neutral sign that i know i don't want to be married any time soon. does it mean i don't ever want to marry matt? i don't know.

he's such a sweet, sweet person, and he does some of the nicest things for me and honestly, he's so good to me. really. he's not the best at being in a relationship but he really tries and i feel really terrible when for me, sometimes it's still not good enough.

what do you do in that situation? i don't know.

i love him, though. very much.

today i had an interview for a full time job, except it doesn't have benefits and i probably won't get it anyway. it doesn't matter. there is no place for me out here to have a full time, benefited job teaching esl. it doesn't exist.

i think i'll have to go home. or abroad. or home.

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