the end of the f***ing world
12.01.18 | 2:38 pm

i'm honestly trying really hard this january to just be at peace with the thoughts in my own head. i'm alone a lot, truthfully, and i'm lonely, and i have so many thoughts on these repetitive loops that sometimes i feel them travel to my chest and try to claw their way out. so i'm trying really hard to sit with them, to acknowledge them and where they come from, and to do it on my own, without trying to message six or seven other people at a time about what's going on in there.

i watched all of the end of the fucking world today in one sitting and it's fantastic.

every time i say the name of the show, my parents say, "do you have to cuss?" even though bret straight up called me a bitch and a fucking hypocrite in the last couple of days and they said nothing. so honestly, actually, that's what's on my mind - this stupid trivial shit that makes me feel like i'm 16, not about to turn 28 next month.

it's a snow day and i'm reveling in it but also, get me out of here.

please and thank you.

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edited to add: there are two moments i love the most in that show. one, this boy says, "i don't like my life," and this girl says, "then do something about it." that resonates now, i suppose, although i can't quite do anything for the next five months, can i?

secondly, i like the note about how she'd have gotten him a present. it's kind, and it feels like the kind of unassuming love that teenagers feel, the kind that i felt a long time ago, too. it's been quite a while, hasn't it?

i just always feel so heavy, so weighed down. and i've been doing these 30 days of yoga now, and i can feel it - i can feel the emotions when they lift away, but soon, perhaps an hour later, they're back. they've just taken a vacation.

i wonder if it's always this way.

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