all i do is try, try, try
26.07.20 | 11:35 am

when the anxiety rises up into my throat, i have to keep telling myself: there is literally nothing you can do at this moment.

if france does not allow us back in, there is nothing i can do to change that.
if i end up staying here again, working at my old high school again, for the next year because france won't let me back in, there is nothing i can do to change that.
it won't have been my fault.

and even though it will feel like my life is on hold... it won't be. and i can't live with the mentality that it is.


after being very frustrated at the lack of a work space (as the dining table was my only option, and it's open to the kitchen and the living room, there's lots of foot traffic, and it's generally loud and busy), i bought a sweet little desk for the corner of my room. i'm now looking for an equally nice little chair and a laptop stand, as well as some other little trinkets to make it feel more like a work space.

the schools have pushed back their opening dates to august 24. we will be working at the school (planning, etc.) for two weeks before that, anyhow. i keep thinking it's getting likelier and likelier that we will end up doing entirely online instruction for the first trimester, if i'm honest.

i am signing my contract tomorrow morning.


today will be my first day working out on my possibly injured calf, and when i woke up this morning, it actually hurt a bit more than it has the past couple of days. i am going to try to do an easy-ish hiit workout, something light to ease myself into it.

i also want to finish "seymour: an introduction" today.


i've been helping ryan seth and morgan move into the new house they bought. they are actually going to pay me to help them organize everything and get it all set up nicely, and i'm really, really excited about that.


the new tswift album is, again, quite perfect.


i wrote all of that this morning, and here i am now, at 8:44pm. after three days of rest, i did one of my strength workouts, and my calf is hurting a bit again -- i had thought it had mostly disappeared, but now i am apprehensive about the run i'm going to try tomorrow. an easy two or three miles, i figure, if i can make it.


i just found out one of my friends from college has died. calling him a friend now is a bit of a stretch; he's one of those people you see post things on fb, but you don't readily talk to anymore. still, i remember forming a quick crush on him when i was twenty-one, when he ended a conversation by telling me he was going to go read a book in the bath.

he was only thirty; in fact, i think he turned thirty either at the end of june or beginning of july. he had two kids. he was always sort of in poor health -- he'd had his colon removed among other weird things. he was matt's old roommate, and i remember him telling us about how horrible his eating habits were, how worried he was for his health, how if he kept that shit up, he'd probably die early.

and here we are.

if we're guessing, it's probably covid related. we don't know for sure. not yet. but it would make sense, considering the current climate, with everything going on, with his health status.

his last post on fb was rather cryptic. one of those pictures with motivational words on them, saying, "fear does not stop death. it stops life. and worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. it takes away today's peace."

i feel weird.

and it feels selfish to say: i hope this doesn't flare up my death anxiety.

i have such a pit in my stomach.

i need to go to bed.

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