sunday stream of consciousness
02.08.20 | 7:10 pm

tomorrow is my first day for real at work again.


maybe i'll get stuck in my gosh darn hometown my whole life

whatevaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa who caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares

(i do. i care. *raises hand*)

you took five days before you tried to message me again. "what's up? you good?"

men, as a whole, are so empathetic and on board with emotions, you guys. yes i know i am lumping everyone together who caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares

anyway, literally the only reason you even wanted to have a stupid conversation with me (which, by the way, i did not bother saying anything about death or the fact that you lowkey suck sometimes) is because you saw your ex in your town, even though she hours away, and she didn't text you to tell you, but you saw that she was wearing a personalized gift you gave her right before the breakup, and when you made the mistake of texting her hoping that she'd want to meet up, she was basically like "oh i'm good bye".

and like, don't get me wrong, we had a nice conversation about all this stuff or whatever

but why are dudes like this

expecting me to do all this random emotional labor without actually doing any for me

do i do this to myself? i must do this to myself. truly.

like, i'm not even mad or upset

i did say: "no one at this age wants to date someone bouncing around not knowing what she's doing really" and you said "yes that's true" and even though i already know it's true i didn't need it from someone else. "well that's true until you find the good one who will understand and share your desire to bounce around" you said. again i know that's true.

anyway i downloaded hinge

like why

or why not

it's not like i'm a failure for downloading a dating app. i think i've been telling myself for six months that i would be some kind of huge failure, going back on something, if i did this. but i don't even feel guilty. i sent like, one message to someone, because i remembered how shitty people are at presenting themselves on apps like this. progress.

it was a good conversation like the ones we used to have to be honest with you.

the one we had tonight i mean.

"talking to you was refreshing."

what am i doing, you know? it's only a twinge now, only a twinge, anyway. i want someone else in that tiny corner of my mind instead of you. i want to be 1111100000% past it instead of 2% past it.

also the one thing i said in french you had to CORRECT. even though i don't correct your english! bc i know you're capable! and you said you are a "grammar nazy" nicolas get it together. ugh i hate it, it's like when i get the chance to speak with you in french now i am so nervous about making a mistake, even though i know how much i've improved and SIX MONTHS AGO we were talking EXCLUSIVELY in french without an issue, like, come on, give. me. a. break.

can anyone tell i have had a couple of drinks

and i go to work tomorrow! i mean, that's fine, i'll go to sleep by nine and get nine hours of sleep so no worries there.

i want my calf to heal
i want these chin jawline pimples to stop, why are there so many over and over they're awful

i bought a journal just to write journal entries in french. online is annoying bc my keyboard doesn't have the accents.

i just wanna speak french
and go live in france again
and not be in my parent's house i guess even tho rly i should be grateful bc i don't pay any rent here and they practically pay for all my groceries and i can save so much money here and so many people are not so lucky to have such supportive family
even tho i am thirtyyyyyyyyyy

my spots on my thighs have come back like, in full force, i don't know if it's from running or what but they are BAD. they had been pretty much in remission for several months but now... it is a bit painful. even though i have a pretty mild case all things considered. (hs.)

i wish i had more wine even tho i don't need it. sry for all the shortened words but actually not bc it's my diary and i can do what i want.

wow am i 13

lol i just accidentally liked an instagram picture of a person i'm not following but i know irl, can someone just kill me plz thank you

yes i am 13

damn it

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