august birthdays
30.08.20 | 6:29 pm

sometimes it is strange to be face-to-face with the passage of time: being with people you've known since high school, doing the same activities you did together in college, and seeing those stark differences. seeing how those relationships have evolved: engagements, marriages, children. seeing how early the night ends.

not that these changes are negative in any way. just that it's strange to be confronted by them so starkly.

really, it's lovely to see -- to know that things change and will continue to change, but that the connections you make don't have to dissolve or fade away. it's not the same as it was before, but it's still there.

--

after i returned home today, i secluded myself in my room, alternating between napping, talking in french on my conversation app, and finishing a book.

all the while, the entire day, i've heard my parents' voices floating in and out, highlighting how incredibly different they are as people and how inept they are at communicating effectively. i hear and see their patterns over and over and over, the way they misinterpret what the other is saying, the way they ignore what they've done or explain how they didn't do what they have obviously just done.

i love my parents, and i think they must love each other, and i am thankful for them, and i find it admirable, in some ways, how they've committed to each other and our family.

but the other day i said out loud to my dad and some of my brothers, "if i ever find someone i actually want to marry, i hope he is nothing like the men in this family."

and in a lot of ways, i meant it.

but i see a lot of the same tendencies of my mother in me. and i cringe when i noticed them, actively try to change them. the holding grudges, the shutting down when confronted.

none of this is what i want.

--

how many times have i said it? but i'll say it again.

i'm going to actively, actively pull away.

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