i thought i didn't have anything to say
08.11.20 | 11:54 am

everything feels very... empty.

alex trebek died today. and i'm sad about that.

i mean, i'm happy about the election results. obviously. but it feels like a sin to be happy about anything. like no matter what, because the world is terrible and there are always going to be bad things, feeling any sense of joy is useless or worse, harmful.

i don't know if i actually think that's true, but it's how i am feeling this week. i had such little hope that he would win to begin with that it was almost a little bit of a surprise.


i wanted to go on a hike today, and i invited anyone in my family who wanted to join me to come, and none of them took me up on it. so actually... i'm probably going to stay home, read on the back porch, walk emma for a second time in this beautiful weather.

the best thing for me today would be to be completely alone. mom and dad went out shopping and addi is at her mom's, but bret and destiny are here and for some reason they're watching tv in the living room so i can hear every word of what they're watching.


the fighting between my parents really stresses me out. and it's the same things over and over again because they refuse to learn how to communicate effectively and they're both holding on to things from years and years ago and they both refuse to change any negative patterns or behaviors. it is frustrating to see and to be around. even if i know they love each other, i guess.


in the last week, i ran 20 miles over the course of four runs (two 10ks, 3.25 miles, and 4.5 miles). i am really, really proud of myself for this. i am starting to get that quad muscle that sticks out and i think that's cool.

one of the only good things about this hellish year is that i've been able to relax, let go of the fomo, and focus on my actual health. i do yoga every damn day. i strength train almost every other day and i run almost every other day. and despite that last sentence, i am actually learning to take actual rest days.

physically, i feel very good. that's something i can hold on to.


we go back to nti (online) school next week. we don't know for how long yet, but i don't mind it. my kids don't do their work when they're not at school anyway, so i literally prep as though i'm teaching two different classes for one, and have to convert everything on google classroom, just to see them not even complete it.


he sent me a picture of american style microwavable popcorn today and said, "first time i've done that. remember we talked about that months ago." i don't remember, but i said i did.

i spent a lot of time this weekend talking to and flirting with random people, sending voice messages back and forth in french to this guy i met on happn when i was still in avignon (and who i never actually met), sending messages to two boys who are thirty miles away from me here and who seem mildly interesting i guess at best. well, one has very cute curly hair and glasses and is of course the one who hasn't answered me in a bit. i even messaged tanay and farid last night because i was apparently desperate for some kind of attention. and i just saw that chris saw my instagram story and remembered i never messaged him back because he took eleven days to message me back last time (which is actually pretty normal for him) but it was right after inviting me to come visit sometime. so i guess i took it as a hint. i should take tanay's as a hint too.

i should take this entire goddamn year as a hint.


i don't want to be in such a negative space.

it's a beautiful day.

whatever bret and destiny are watching is playing an instrumental jazzy cover of "la vie en rose."

oh, and i made a cheesecake.

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