a rambling mess of a morning
13.12.20 | 8:41 am

i cried last night out of feeling that i’m always putting myself in the same situation — offering these guys the chance to tell me anything they want, carrying the burden of their insecurities... without being offered much of anything in return.

my heart, my chest hurts. literally and figuratively. yesterday, my arms and lips went numb. i go to the doctor wednesday, but i will only see a nurse, as a “get to know you” measure since i am trying to actually have a primary care doctor.

it is probably anxiety. the death thoughts come back sometimes. not as bad as a few years ago, when every time i had to walk down some stairs, i’d thinking about myself tripping and breaking my neck. not as bad as having to truly convince myself that i could drive ten minutes down the road to get taco bell and most likely, i wasn’t going to die, so it was okay, i could go.

the other day, my niece (18 months) got ahead of me, speed crawled up the stairs before i’d even turned the corner, and all i could think about was what could’ve happened, that she could’ve fallen off the side, busted her head open, and i would’ve found her, her brains on the floor, all my fault because i wasn’t fast enough, because i was picking up her brother to carry with me.

i am so tired of the amount of energy i put toward people without that in return.

deleted one of the apps again.

posted pictures of myself dressed up in a fancy dress, wearing makeup, all in some hope of one or two boys telling me i looked cute, and then being disappointed that one did, felt shameful for wanting the attention, wondered what someone else would think of me for it.

watched that episode of big mouth last night where one of them is just going through the different scenarios of how he could die and felt it deep in my bones.

took another anxiety pill yesterday, could feel fluttering in my chest, then my breathing would get weird, then my limbs were asleep. dad checked on me all day to see how i was.

i must just be tired. and stressed at the impact it’s having on my exercising, the lack of which will stress me out more.

last night jake made a joke but it looked like an insult and it hurt my feelings.

i honestly don’t know if i am ever going to get to a place again where i can do this. not really. everything feels like a land mine. everything has so much potential for hurt. everything, every single thing, seems like some kind of red flag, or reminds me of matt, or makes me worry about myself, and how i’m coming off.

i think we’re all just so bored. i don’t even think he likes me, he’s just bored. i don’t even think i like him, i’m just bored.

i dont want to care about any of this anymore.

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