so many things
07.01.21 | 8:29 pm

i am just staring at this screen.

i'm not surprised, really, by what happened yesterday. shocked, maybe, but not surprised at how it all unfolded, at how little violence the police actually used against them, at how most of them were able to peacefully just go home after literally invading the capitol building.

my uncle and i got into an argument about it last night, me trying to explain to him how the reaction to this by the police and the reaction to the black lives matter protests has been completely different, and why, and what that means, but i didn't get through to him.

i had to explain to some students today that no, the election was not stolen, that no, there has been no evidence of fraud, and yes, it has been checked and verified and this is the truth.

it is tiring trying to use logic and prove these things to people who just won't hear it.


this morning, i woke up with my heart beating hard and fast, feeling that anxious energy rise in my body. i came home on my lunch break and ran four miles at a faster pace than normal, trying to tire my body out, trying to get it all out of me. went back to work exhausted, came home and tried to take a nap which did not work, did yoga, had a french lesson where we talked about what happened yesterday, and now i'm awake here, not sure what to do with my time, texting jake and realizing more and more that i don't think i'm into this at all (especially when the only person whose name on my phone excites me is...).

we come back to in person instruction on monday and i'm not ready at all for it. i'm tired just thinking about it.

for a while i was thinking, wow, having this anxiety stuff doesn't make any sense, i was doing so well, managing everything so well on my own.

but i wasn't.

and i'm still not.

one of the better things is that i don't have the desire to eat as much. i eat, of course. today, for instance, i ate too much for every meal. but hunger isn't hitting me in the same way. i can't explain it.

alcohol isn't calling to me at all, either. i see the wine and the ciders in the fridge and have no desire to reach for them.

i think it's the medicine, but what do i know.


i read on earth, we're briefly gorgeous, and that book is beautiful. i want to read it again this year, really delve into it and study it. it reads like a long poem. and i'm listening to heavy by kiese layman on audiobook right now, and it's brilliant in a different way.


there are so many things i need to do.

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