one girl
06.02.21 | 7:44 pm

we did the pencil test tonight, sitting at the bar in my parents’ kitchen. my sister-in-law sat still, her wrist outstretched, as my mom held the pencil on a string and watched it swing in the direction for a boy (her first child), a girl (her second), and another boy (the upcoming baby) before coming to a stop.

we did it again, this time holding the pencil over her husband’s, my brother’s, wrist, and watched as it displayed the same results — to the elbow and wrist to indicate my nephew, side to side for my niece, and back between the elbow and wrist for the new baby.

we took a break to eat the pizza that arrived, and as soon as we were finished, i tentatively said, “i want to do this too. just to see if i’ll have any kids at all, or just dogs.” we laughed together.

i stretched out my wrist and sat as still as possible. kelsey held the pencil above my wrist and we waited. and we waited. and we waited for the pencil to move.

“this is it,” i thought, suddenly putting so much stock into an old wives’ tale that seemed so silly. “no kids for me. i knew it. this is going to be my life. and that’s okay too.”

after thirty second of stillness, slightly, ever so slightly, it began to move side to side, parallel across my wrist, and then grew stronger, swinging forcefully while maintaining direction. after ten or so seconds, it came to a stop.

a girl.

one girl.

the few hours since the pencil stopped swaying, i’ve felt a trifle lighter. it’s ridiculous, i know, but i want to believe the sign, believe that one day, i will have this daughter by my side.

who knows if it will come true?

i just like the idea of it.

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