thinking about matt
13.07.21 | 6:42 pm

isn't it strange to see pictures and remember... i used to wake up to that face every day?

that man would make me breakfast in his cast iron pan i refused to learn how to clean for fear of ruining it.

he would mop the floors and clean the shower because they were my most hated chores.

together, we would take our sweet dogs on walks around the neighborhood, finding the secluding spaces where we could let them off leash and let them chase balls and each other.

or, when we ran out of alcohol, we'd take the dogs on their leashes and walk down to the liquor store, me sometimes breaking out into a run in my deliriously happy state, him walking after me slowly. i would wait outside the store with the pups while he bought me more wine and himself more bourbon, and sometimes people would tell me how cute our dogs were together.

molly (his dog) and emma (my dog) would lay together -- well, really, molly (the great pyrenees mix) would practically lie on top of emma (a miniature schanuzer), who would sigh but let it happen.

he often cooked me dinner because he had this love of testing and perfecting recipes. my favorite was his spaghetti and meatballs. i would even eat his chili (even though i don't like chili) because he was so proud of it.

i would lie on the couch with my feet in his lap while he played video games and i read books. peaceful. content.

and i always come back to the fact that, since he went to sleep so much later than me, he'd follow me to bed, cuddle me, read to me until i fell asleep.

i've just been thinking about him today. and how i hope that he is happy. that he's found someone better suited. sometimes i have an urge to reach out but know it's the wrong thing to do.

we had so many problems. we were so laughably incompatible in most ways.

but we truly loved each other. deeply.

and i know it's not all that matters. but it helped.

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