musings on what will likely happen soon
06.09.21 | 11:09 am

i understand the part of myself that is so drawn to situations such as these. some space in my heart or brain thinks, yes, if this person were to love me beyond the logic of it all, that would finally prove (to myself) that i am special, that i am worth something, that i deserve to be loved.

i also understand that it isn't inherently true.

what is so funny to me is that when i date people who are an hour or so away, everything feels so much harder. having to drive to see someone, having to put that effort forth -- most people don't want to do it. but situations like these feel easier. there isn't that constant burden. there are other burdens, sure, but not that one.

we haven't spoken all weekend. he's visiting his sister in las vegas, and he has been stressed and pulled into himself, so i decided to back off and not give him anything extra to be stressed about.

i feel that i must prepare for what is inevitably coming next.

i'm not lying when i talk about how lovely this has all been, though. i'm not lying when i say that it's been an incredible reminder that people on my same wavelength are still out there, that they think i'm cute, that they find me smart and charming, and that i find them utterly kind and endlessly interesting, the kind of people i could sit and talk to for hours, the kind of people whose morals i could actually look up to.

we're all making our way through this life trying to find what we need and what we love. and i can't be in anyone else's head. all i can do, eventually, is ask, and accept whatever the answer may be.

the likelihood is he'd recently broken up with his girlfriend and that this was a low-stress, fun thing to pass the time, and then we just so happened to actually have a genuine connection, and now he doesn't know how to proceed. who can blame him?

i don't know how to proceed, either.

but i do know what the logical thing is. what the likely outcome is.

and that's okay, too.

even if i feel like i could love someone beyond the logic of it all... it doesn't mean that they could.

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